A Faustian Bargain
I've been silent because I've been somewhat occupied with matters at hand. I'll elaborate on it at length, but recent meetings with the specialists have brought up a few surprises and questions. Given that I had two slightly different cancers on either lobe, there is no definite solution to what happens next. Were either to have been found alone or just any one that was the size of both put together, it would not merit radioactive iodine treatment. However with two, I fall into a grey zone and the default diagnosis is to err on the side of caution and nuke!
What's not that clear however is the longer-term effects of the radiation in creating altogether new cancers with implications far more severe than the one I hope I've gotten rid of. The risks, though small, are present, and the choice is mine to make.
Do I treat what I have with every means possible and worry about the future, or do I take a gentler approach now, risk recurrence, and cross my fingers that I've walked a safer path? Something between a Catch 22 deal and a Faustian bargain if ever there was one...
So I look to science. I'm immersed in reading academic papers on the subjects of mortality and morbidity related to thyroidectomies, radioactive iodine ablation and their effects and results. Geoff and Jason's epidemiological training have been invaluable in understanding the meaning of 'significance', and Karen's found me the papers I need to read (I'll list them and a more detailed discussion in a future post as a resource for others travelling this road). I feel like a researcher these days, not a patient... the information empowers, or does it delude?
"All that philosophy can teach,
The lore of jurist and of leech,
I've mastered, ah! and sweated through
Theology's dead deserts, too,
Yet here, poor fool! for all my lore,
I stand no wiser than before."
And yes, the hormone levels have begun to rise since I started on the new dose. I don't feel like a zombie any more. Monday was a challenge at the office, but today was degrees better. One step at a time, one day at a time...
What's not that clear however is the longer-term effects of the radiation in creating altogether new cancers with implications far more severe than the one I hope I've gotten rid of. The risks, though small, are present, and the choice is mine to make.
Do I treat what I have with every means possible and worry about the future, or do I take a gentler approach now, risk recurrence, and cross my fingers that I've walked a safer path? Something between a Catch 22 deal and a Faustian bargain if ever there was one...
So I look to science. I'm immersed in reading academic papers on the subjects of mortality and morbidity related to thyroidectomies, radioactive iodine ablation and their effects and results. Geoff and Jason's epidemiological training have been invaluable in understanding the meaning of 'significance', and Karen's found me the papers I need to read (I'll list them and a more detailed discussion in a future post as a resource for others travelling this road). I feel like a researcher these days, not a patient... the information empowers, or does it delude?
"All that philosophy can teach,
The lore of jurist and of leech,
I've mastered, ah! and sweated through
Theology's dead deserts, too,
Yet here, poor fool! for all my lore,
I stand no wiser than before."
- Goethe, (Faust's words in Faust: A Tragedy)
And yes, the hormone levels have begun to rise since I started on the new dose. I don't feel like a zombie any more. Monday was a challenge at the office, but today was degrees better. One step at a time, one day at a time...
ahh, but the deal with faust (or, in the english incarnation by marlowe, dr. faustus) is that all roads led to death, hell, damnation.
ReplyDeleteand, although your choice is a hard one to make, no doubt, and although it's a risk, no doubt, it's not a one-outcome gamble driven by hubris! so don't do what the god doctor did and burn your books -- keep reading, keep spirited, keep positive, keep striving. you'll make an informed decision, i know, and you'll have your loved ones gathered around you and standing behind you rather than just that evil mephistopheles!
I think your decision, albeit difficult, will be the best you would want to make for yourself, and that is what counts.
ReplyDelete