my romantic tryst with cancer

What is held in the heart is never lost....

I'm finally going through the unread emails in my inbox, all 629 of them, some dating back to 2005; and I find these lines from Renu as she was plugging away at her thesis in 2008... And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now, And perhaps without knowing it You will live along, someday into the answers. - Rainer Maria Rilke

I've just done my last load of laundry. On Wednesday, I'll move to my new home, and the familiar whirr and buzz of this washer-dryer duo will be replaced by another that will hopefully grow on me. I remember going out to buy them... That was only after I'd put money aside from each pay cheque for a few years to replace the teetering top-loading antiques that came with the apartment with something 'modern'. Jack and I had scoured many stores, over many weeks (bless his patience) till serendipity (and a bit of pressure) got me to buy this set. I feel a certain sadness closing its doors for the last time. I feel the same sadness with so many things in this home that I've come to know these past six and a half years. I remember my first trip back to India, almost 4 years after moving to Canada, and flipping the switch to turn on the lights in my old bedroom, hearing that click and being drawn to tears. It's the associations and familiarity of that act had

you, my dear untended blog, need some lovin' and caressin' tonight... candles, soft music, and cuddling on my couch... I saw a mushy movie at the Inside Out Film Fest earlier tonight. It wan't great by any measure- amateur actors, clichéd lines, even happy endings- but it opened up a wellspring of emotions that I thought I had packaged away nicely in the basement of my imagination. I thought I had mastered the art of denial when it came to those feelings. Is It Just Me? captures, albeit badly, the angst I feel. I'm sure I'm not alone in this- someone did write the script, so there are at least two of us out there that have a soft spot for mush. The story was crappy- but the sub theme was all about romance, and I'm a strong advocate of more of that good stuff in a relationship. The cowboy gets the geek because they truly connect at a personal level. That people look beyond the surface when it comes to love. That broken hearts have more room to love, and tha

is it not strange how common this word is becoming in our lexicon... it is more than just me but I am more than it will ever be

Life, I have learned over the past year of my life,  is not ours to give or take, to keep or give up,  it is only ours to live... Live it with truth, beauty, and With love, always

My friend Barbara from Napoli would always tell me, when she'd read my mind on my face- "you feel, therefore you live". Feel, and live. Things happen when you know the peripheries of your own skin, love the boundaries of your emotions, and forget the limits of possibility... (excerpted from an email I sent a friend earlier today)

Mohammedali Road, Mumbai.

This is the view from the porch at the Radio Club where we had lunch this afternoon...

The attached picture is one of Mumbai's many famous landmarks. A neo-gothic wonder that rivalled anything the empire had back home- the Rajabai Clock Tower on the Bombay University campus. Rumour has it that they closed it off a few decades ago when it turned into a suicide magnet for students who did not fare that well in their exams. The maidan (field) in the foreground, now cricket central, was once the vast open areas the Brits cultivated around their forts to have clear firing range on any attackers. Ironically the university was built on the footprint of the fort's walls, and the expanse of open space, once Bombay's lungs and emerald jewels, has been whittled into irrelevance by generations of land grabs, corruption and negligence. Behind where I stand and take this picture stood a row of fine Art Deco apartments, now renovated into nouveau riche hell. I decided to let my legs take me around the City today and walked and walked for a few hours along familiar

I promised a few pictures... A bit disturbing today. I decided to ta ke a walk through the old Crawford Market and it's surrounds. Here's the transcript of a chat I had a bit later with a friend. TM: am a little shaken today- saw a group of street kids tearing a little puppy apart... we're breeding animals in this smokestack... how can the future every be bright? Friend:  oh, there's work to be done, all right. Makes me wonder if staying in the ivory tower and working toward a phd is the way i want to spend my twenties/prepare for a career and a life... TM:  the water will reach our feet sooner or later... the ivory tower does give perspective though that's hard to find if you're on the ground. I'm getting a bit tired of people telling me "you'll get used to it"- it's a danger to start getting indifferent about things that matter Friend:  yes, i don't really want to get "used to it" A grounding, but is it a wake up

sat by the sea this evening and watched the sliver of a moon gently settle on the edge of the world, where a dark sea met the smouldering sky...

(Thanks for the title quote jB) Yes, I do not have to undergo radioactive iodine ablation (RAI). The new guidelines (which I'd scrutinised on a hammock in Mexico) had me and my former multifocal carcinomas on the edge of knife and my endocrinologist and I discussed it carefully and decided to say no to nuking me. Thank you G for deconstructing the research jargon and everyone else who helped me make sense of the issue since my operation in September. Besides the increased risks to other primary cancers and medical conditions (including leukaemia, brain cancer, dry mouth and even infertility) that it would have put me at, it would also have set off radioactive detectors at airports which, as other RAI recipients have shared, is not a pleasant experience and warrants a thorough checking and carrying letters from doctors with oneself as well as the hope that airport authorities will believe them. No more doctors or hospitals (if I can help it). We now track and monitor and do so

with all that 2009 brought me, it brought me so much, if I had to live that year again, I wouldn't change a thing lest any part of it be left out of my life and my learnings and love... best wishes for the new year to all and any may it bring us all health, happiness and hope...